It’s hard when you go through life having to hide your emotions, stuff them into your heart so nobody would see them, raise your voice to drown out the voice inside your head. Maybe it’s because you were raised that way, raised to show the world that everything is okay, because any crack in the facade would make others think you’re weak. Or maybe it’s because you are too scared to acknowledge what you feel because you can’t deal with the repercussions. Or maybe it’s because you realize that nobody can really help you with what you’re going through so why give others ammunition to use against you now (by making fun) or in the future (by blackmailing you)?
And so you keep on stuffing your heart until it’s full. And hope that one day everything you’re feeling will disappear and you’ll get the chance to start afresh. But do you? Can you? Really. Nothing really goes away. And you are faced with the repercussions anyway; of suppressing everything.
It’s hard when you go through life choosing to barricade your heart and hide your emotions. Because in the end of the day, it’s a choice you’re making. Sometimes other people factor into that choice because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. And you know it’s really safer that way. For everyone involved.
Except you maybe.
But does that matter?
So I was trying to work on converting a results image from a linux-based form to jpg and the result was something like this. I am not sure what the actual image is supposed to look like but I know that this is not it. To tell you the truth it made me think of shooting stars for some reason, and suddenly I found myself on this blog.
Today I find myself reflecting on matters of the heart. The other day I was watching a video of an open-heart surgery and I was mesmerized. Of course, my reaction would have been different if there wasn’t a screen between me and the patient’s open chest since blood makes me queasy. But I thought of how little control we really have over our own hearts, let alone our own lives. When the heart beats normally, we tend to take it for granted. We eat all the wrong things and don’t do enough exercise to take care of it. We don’t really think much about it, and whether or not we’re letting it strain with the effort of carrying our weights around. But if God forbid, the heart’s beats start to change and turn erratic- racing, skipping beats or fluttering – suddenly all attention turns toward to it. Crash carts start rolling, defib pads and paddles get prepared for that heart in distress.
And naturally, I remembered this Hadeeth
So whenever you feel like your control issues are getting the best of you, just close your eyes and listen to your heart. Let it remind you that there’s little you can actually control.