This is the response to a writing exercise; to write something negative about something that is usually positive(hope), thought of sharing….
“It took me a while to figure it out but I realized what was bothering me about you. You gave me hope and walked away. Not walked away. Dropped everything and ran away, forgetting the door open.
And the only thing left was the false hope in my heart. Some people claim that there is no such thing as false hope but only hope. Too bad I don’t believe that, because there is false hope and it’s been clinging onto me for so long it seems like an extra layer of skin perpetually attached.
So yeah, you gave me false hope and ruined my life, made me think that people like me can change, that people like descant reach out for something better than they have, but then you left. You left me hanging, you left me waiting, you left me reaching out for a mirage while the rest of my life was falling apart.
So maybe next time I should have read your actions more than your words. You gave up on my changing and you disappeared without uttering a word. Maybe you were afraid of hurting me or maybe you were afraid of getting hurt yourself but you didn’t care about what would happen to me. You let hope hang on for longer than it was welcomed when you forgot to close the door.
So maybe next time remember to close the door behind you. Remember to close the door behind you when you are deceiving someone else, since I definitely wouldn’t reopen the door for you.”
So I was reading a post where the blogger was describing their person, and the question posed was “Who’s your person?”
It got me thinking about those people I could really define as “my person” in life, and I realized that I’ve lost most – if not all of them. They’re still in my life but not in the position of ‘my person’ anymore. I define ‘my person’ as that who knows so much about my life’s experiences because they were there next to me when things happened.
So my first person was someone who I graduated high school with. Funny enough how at the beginning I used to dislike her because she did something to embarrass me in class, and it was one of the first times that I really understood the phrase I used to read in books about “wishing the earth would just open up underneath and swallow you”.
We went on to become the best of friends until tomorrow, even though after high school we separated as she went to study in another country and now she’s working in -yet another- country. However she makes it to the UAE once or twice per year and during these days my parents know not to enforce my 6 pm curfew because ‘my person’ was in town. If the title ‘my person’ would go to one person it would definitely be her because if there is anyone who could write a book about my life and the changes I’ve been through it would be her. She’s seen the good and the bad.
Then in university, I shared most of my experiences with someone else. We used to be in the same dorm block, we used to take the same classes, work together in the lab, have lunches/dinners together…four years later she got married, moved to another country and lost touch. A couple of times we exchanged personal emails. Sometimes I’d got a forward from her. But that was it. And it was sad to think how easy it was to suddenly lose your person….
Then at work, I had another girl who was ‘my person.’ We shared daily reports, had lunch together, spoke continuously over the phone when it got pretty boring around the office. Two years later, we separated when we both resigned and even though she’s in Sharjah, we rarely meet anymore. But she’s still someone who if I talk to, I could trust with everything. It’s just that circumstances had taken us apart. Otherwise, she’d still be ‘my person’.
Then in MI I had someone who was older than me by a year. We used to go to Caribou at 3 pm to talk since she was from another lab. Sometimes we’d have lunch together but then she got a job in Dubai and had to leave last month. And yet another person…gone.
Then finally, there’s my brother who’s three years my senior. And he’s always been ‘my person.’ He’s also been my backup person when I had no persons. We’d have endless discussions sometimes and many of our phone conversations would only end if either phone ran out of charge or credit.But since he got married, we’ve been drifting apart and you can guess the rest of the story.
So I realize that I am not exactly the best person to be talking about ‘my person’ because I end up losing them for one reason or another.
So my current person is not even a person. It’s a pen, a diary and a a cup of steaming, aromatic coffee, because I’m done getting attached to people who end up leaving.
Quote of the day; “You can’t lose what you never had. You can’t keep what’s not yours and you can’t hold onto something that doesn’t want to stay.”
I’ve been feeling quite upset lately for so many reasons. No matter how much you try to ignore sometimes, there are people out there who just want to test your limits. In the simplest example, I told someone “Assalam aleikum” once and they responded with their back to me by saying, “aha” (illi huwa, ‘go on, what do you want?’). And that’s just the simplest example I am allowing myself to post in an attempt to explain why I’ve been totally “off” lately.
It gets worse when some of these are people you can’t really avoid and you just have to deal with them. It’s good that at least I have a brother who’s willing to listen to me ranting about how I’m being mistreated.I call my brother my buffer because he keeps my mood stable by absorbing the extra electrons when I’m really pissed off.
Worse thing is that since it’s towards the end of the semester, it doesn’t seem like things are going to get any better any time soon, so I’m just going to close my eyes and pray that things just pass by quickly and peacefully.