Of marriages based on dishonesty

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Her name? It doesn’t matter. Her story? She got married under the impression that the man was single. But it turned out he had a wife. And a child. While the ease of travel has opened up opportunities for people to go and work in other countries, it has also given young men an excuse to fill up their four-wife quota as they claim; “You don’t expect me to be alone when I’m there…”

And because the second and third wives are from a country different than the guy’s headquarters, such women enter marriages completely oblivious to the existence of the first family.

I’ve heard this story so many times in our Kemeni community, and at some point, I thought it was one of those stories that would die in the post-Facebook generation (since people’s personal lives are everywhere). But the latest victim I know of is five years younger than me, and it seems guys are getting smarter and deactivating their facebook accounts when they’re planning to extend their families. Which makes me wonder one thing.

Is honesty dead?

The fact that guys can actually do this without being held accountable for their actions infuriates me. Where is society to make this behavior stop? Unfortunately mothers of men like this end up taking his side, in the worse case scenario, aiding and abetting, and in the best case scenario saying with a resigned sigh, “What can we do? Boys will be boys.”

The least the mother can do is tell the family of the second wife-to-be that her son is already married but then again we can’t always blame the mother because it’s . When did honesty become so hard? But no. Because boys fear rejection, they keep that hidden until it’s too late for the girl to run, and then they go,
“Oh, by the way, meet my wife. And kid.”

Honesty is not a virtue that needs to be celebrated and applauded because it is a virtue that needs to be the norm so it’s quite a shame when people go around building entire households on dishonesty. If the guy can’t think of his wives’ feelings once they discover the truth, the least he could think about is what he’s teaching his children….

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The one phrase resolution

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I know I haven’t been keeping this blog updated recently. It’s not that I’m out of ideas. My head is usually full of half-baked ideas that if you tip it over, many of them will spill onto the floor and make my room look like a child’s nursery with toys all around. I don’t usually know where to start, but I’ve got to start somewhere. So here it goes; the one word (or one phrase) resolution. You know how productive people tend to make resolutions at the beginning of every year. Well lazy people like myself tend to enjoy a new spin to this whole resolution business. We make a one-phrase resolution. As mentioned earlier, a resolution is like a promise you make to yourself. In the footsteps of those who made the 2 in 1 hair shampoos, many people mix their goals and resolutions in fancy phrasing and add them to a list – that eventually gets lost somewhere. To emphasize, goals are targets that you are supposed to reach. While resolutions are decisions you resolve to make. So losing 5 kg would be a goal, while exercising frequently would be a resolution.

But the one-phrase resolution is a brilliant idea. It’s just a motto that you decide to live by for that entire year. Or month. My friend’s motto last year was ‘healthy lifestyle’. Sticking to it made her eat more proteins, and less carbs. It made her exercise more and eventually lose weight. What it did not do is put walls and confine her. And since it was made of two words only, and was as generic as it could be, it was easy to remember, and more importantly, to live by.

In The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin had a motto for each month, and while she did have a list of resolutions to achieve under each motto, lazy people like myself could just skip that part. So for instance, some of Gretchen Rubin’s motto were:

-January: Boost Energy

-February: Remember Love

-May: Be Serious About Play

Possible one-phrase resolutions to live by could be: “Take more risks”, “Do it scared”, “Journal More” and “Build Self-Esteem”. And while it is true that self-help experts would emphasize on setting up more SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-based) goals, but if that has never worked with you, you could give the one-phrase resolution a try and start from there. The ultimate goal is to look back a few months from now and realize you’ve grown and become better (smarter, braver, healthier, kinder)….

That’s all folks!

Sometimes we’re scared

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Sometimes we’re scared of silence. We’re scared of silence because it amplifies the voices in our heads. The voices that whisper of a nostalgic past or an unknown future, of wings clipped by circumstances outside our control, of fears born out of ashes of disappointments. Sometimes the silence scares us and so we try to fight it. We cover ourselves in a shawl of busyness hoping the silence would go away but it doesn’t. Because it knows it’s important. It’s needed to let the truth within you emerge, and so it lurks in the backgrounds. Waits for you to switch off the beside lamp and then jumps at you with its best friend; the truth. The truth of who you are and what you are, when the lights all go out and you’re all alone with your thoughts. Scientists think we’re only starting to understand this big mystery called the Universe. Yet I realize there’s another big mystery we’re only beginning to understand -if at all- and that is ourselves.
Good night – or morning

Polished Perceptions

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   Growing up I learned that your value to somebody is directly proportional to how much you can benefit them. Whether they like you or not is never about you but about them. And the people who initially fight you and stand in your way could end up not only taking pride in your achievements but also taking credit for your success.
   The truth is, we think so highly of ourselves; each one cocooned in our private world thinking that the universe revolves around us. We think that we should always get the best of everything and when someone else does and we don’t, we start asking why?
   Think of how much effort we put into polishing the perception that others have of us, and if you don’t believe what I’m saying, go check your facebook feed; read the post of the person who claims they’re feeling tired because they flew from dubai to Istanbul, not caring so much that people notice the ‘tired’ part but rather the ‘Istanbul’ part. Or the person who has to tell the world that he’s had breakfast from his wife’s hands just in case you missed the post that announced to the world he got married. I really don’t understand this new found interest in wanting to announce to the world everything that happens in your private life. Where have the lines between what’s private and what’s public blurred? And most importantly, why have the lines blurred? Is it because we have become so insatiably hungry for validation that we’ve started measuring our value by the number of likes and comments?
   When will we stop keeping up appearances and actually work for something real? I have huge respect for people who wake up every morning to do honest work, share their gift with the world or be at service to others without waiting for the world to applaud them or even recognize them; the street cleaner who works tirelessly under the beating sun even though there’s nobody behind him to check his work, the mother who packs her children’s breakfast every morning and doesn’t wait to be paid for the effort.
   I wish you’ll take the time today to do something for someone without waiting to be acknowledged or thanked or paid…