So lately I’ve been going through some of my (very) old diaries and I just felt sorry for myself. I wish that at the time I had someone – an actual person – to explain to me everything that I was going through, someone who was not too old to call me childish, yet not too young to be as clueless as I was.
So one of the anecdotes I wrote about was of a friend in high school who convinced her other friend not to smoke by saying, “If you smoke, I won’t be friends with you again.”
I found the story interesting as I told myself that if I said that to a friend, they’ll probably smoke double to speed up the process of not being friends with me.
And if I were the princess held by the turtle -not dragon – in supermario, he would probably finish off all the stages, reach the turtle and pay him double to keep me locked up. That’s if he never ran in the opposite direction to begin with.
So yeah, my self esteem was pretty low, and to be honest enough I still think that way about myself to some extent; the only difference being, I really stopped caring about the whole “fitting in” considering that , figuratively, my view from the locked tower is quite awesome, and the dragon – or turtle (or just my introverted nature)- keeps people away so I have enough time to read, write and work on my own things.
But I still wish I had an older and wiser “me” to explain exactly what was going on with me at various parts of my life. Someone who would tell me to stop overdramatizing everything and take things at face values.
But then someone commented that sometimes it’s the cluelessness that makes some experiences so rich and beautiful. Because rationalizing and putting psycholabels on our sentiments and feelings is what dries them out, making them like those pieces of mangoes my grandmother used to leave out in the sun to make acharis.
And that’s why growing up is no longer fun.
So what’s your opinion on the matter?
Regardless of how your childhood and teenage years turned out, one message remains true, and that is,
Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.
Gosh, you sound so much like me! I can totally relate.
I feel the same at times, but I once thought to myself that … maybe I’m not so proud of the way I thought about some things in the past or the way I dealt with situations… but it means that I’ve actually changed (improved nshallah) in a way or another or at least I understand better now what wasn’t so right… Which is a good thing…? Maybe we’re not exactly the way we would like be now and that’s why we feel unhappy when we evaluate ourselves but at least we’r growing, learning, and improving right?
And I think that when we are hurt from something/someone it becomes a little difficult to remember the other good things in life.. Like the fact that there are people who really care about us even if there is little contact with them because they truly love for the sake of Allah… Focusing on those positive things and blessings helps counteract low self esteem… That’s what I’ve learnt to do
Thanks for ur comments. Muna, I guess I understand what you’re saying and agree with you totally. Change, growth and improvement r inevitable bt sometimes I wish the lessons I learnt were actually told to me n that I didn’t have to experience them myself bt oh well, qaddar Allah wa Ma sha2 fa3al
Yea, I know what you mean… I wish that too
WAllah Amina ur not the only one, in my case I went back to my old facebk account and realized strongly how I was dramatizing everything, and how much I was working too much to expreess or get understood unsucessfully. This was before I finally felt hopeless and openee. New account to refreh myself, then decided to stop expressing to get over myself and become stronger, with minimal personal expression and max dependance on GOd to sort out myself, al7amdulillah I feel much better about myself, improved self esteem & confidence, faced & finalized my old issues & realized I don’t need anyone but God and my inner strength. Felt much beter. When I checked my old facebk I ffelt the same regret u mentioned, bas what happened happened, we always learn.