Abu Dhabi Sudden Sandstorm

A sudden sandstorm hit Abu Dhabi today a little after 3 pm. Suddenly the view got clouded by dust as shown in the pic above. As usual, people on Twitter are starting to make jokes like @Tomgara who said “Big sandstorm now in Abu Dhabi. They paid like 10 bn $ to bring the prestigious New York hurricane here, help put the city on the map.”
Interesting enough, the Hurricane in New York is called Sandy, so shall we  call our “SAND”storm SANDy as well.

Allah y3een aljamee3 everywhere and for people in New York, Stay safe.

Matter of Trust

So I’ve been doing some research for one of my story, and I was trying to recapture how life was in 2001, since that was when the story began. So I figured, what better way to do that than to retrieve one of my diaries, and voila! I skimmed through a few pages, I just couldn’t get myself to read slowly because it’s just painful going through a fifteen year old’s rambling diary about over-dramatic you-might-think it-was-apocalyptic friendship problems. I also found the entry on Sep/11.

It’s quite interesting though, keeping a record of some of the silly stuff because they highlight deeper issues. For instance, take a storyline that’s so common it’s almost cliche. A tells me something about B but tells me to keep it to myself, then while arguing with B, I get so angry I say something like “I know about the XYZ story”. That freezes B who tells me, “Who told you?” But then it doesn’t take detective work to figure it out because there are only three other people who know and apparently the version that I got from A is different from the version the others have, so B figures out it was A. Later on, A and B get into a fight, which I suspect but I made A promise not to tell B it was me who let the secret out, but then in the heat of the moment, my name accidentally slipped out, and the whole thing “exploded”.

Going through it now, it seems silly, but it highlights an important topic…”Trust”. Personally I’ve always had trust issues maybe because I knew I couldn’t be trusted myself since I had a bad habit of keeping written documentation about….everything. But then having grown up with people like those mentioned in Double Faced, Double Sweet and  Losing Your Person, trusting people just becomes harder by the day.

Another thing that helps is the fact that life taught me not to depend so much on people because they have a great tendency to hurt,disappoint, take advantage. So when I decide to trust someone, I tend to take responsibility of trusting them, and trust them at my own risk. If they betray my trust tomorrow, I decide it was my fault, and I’m usually more careful the next time, because human beings are just human beings. In the end, they will make mistakes, so the question is, will you happen to be the person paying the price?

And it’s funny how the people I trust are those who are mostly introverts, and they move in different circles. By ‘different’ I mean their normal social circles are geographically different – sometimes in different continents – so even if they know something about me and tell it to a third person,the third person normally has no clue who I am anyway, so it’s just a random story about a random person being told to another random person.

But they say that trust is an important building block for meaningful relationships. The moment somebody trusts another with their hearts, they become highly vulnerable. It becomes a risk. So with just any high-risk venture, deciding whether to trust somebody with something – or not – should be carefully studied with their mind, and girls especially shouldn’t let their emotions get the best of them. Trust is also pretty known to be fragile. Like a vase, the moment trust is broken, one can attempt to glue the pieces together all they want but it will never be the same again.

Double Faced and Double Sweet

The other day my favorite cuzo and I were discussing a certain type of personality that has sadly infiltrated the Kemeni society in Mombasa; “The Double-Faced and Double Sweet” . This personality is sadly discovered only after their dagger has been sent through your back (figuratively) so this made us conclude that sometimes it’s better to avoid all people and be safe than sorry.

So the “Double Faced and Double Sweet” person is someone who goes out of their way to be nice to you, they’re the sort of people who will give you a ride when you need it, or welcome you to their homes with open arms. They tend to tell you, “If you ever need anything, just let me know.” So you trust that person enough to share meals with them, and to visit their house, and to open your own house to them, but you don’t know that all of your interactions with them are not only recorded, but also criticized and distributed behind your back. Whatever secrets you told them are shared with others, and laughed at with others. Just like they take the extra effort to help you, they also take the extra effort to ruin your reputation behind your back.

So the other day I was wondering why people do that? You know they say that even criminals justify their heinous crimes to themselves, so the double-faced and double-sweet should be able to justify their actions to themselves or they wouldn’t be acting that way. Why do they waste their time pretending to be your friend, if they don’t particularly like you or approve of you? The theory I have is that maybe they’re just the sort of people who need others to step on, and feel better than, so that they take the one or two steps above in society. Being really close to you is necessary so you’d feel comfortable around them and trust them with your personal secrets. So basically, they take you as a good friend, learn all your faults, so they can go to other people and say, “See, I’m better than that person. I know her and here are her faults.” If the faults are true then they feel good about themselves for “being better people” (In society’s eyes). If the fault does not exist, then they could make stuff up out of jealousy because they still want to defend their position on the pedestal of society. It’s like, they become so desperate for validation that this is their only way of getting it, by making their own friends look bad.

And it’s sad to see old Kemeni women falling under this category because the question would be, aren’t they teaching their children that it’s okay to stab their friends in the back?

Allah yihdeena wa yihdi iljamee3.

That’s it for today.

P.S. I am not talking about anybody in particular, but be on the lookout for people like this…

Truth or Dare?

There are times when I feel society molds us into encompassing ourselves with deception, deception so deep that even we begin to believe it ourselves. Think of the people we smile to just because we have to, the people we call “dear” or “habibty” just because we’re expected to. Society teaches us to sugarcoat and mince words, because that’s what it takes to fit in. People should never be hurt by us, and if the truth would hurt them, then the truth should be buried.

Think of a really beautiful world where honesty seriously reigns. How much easier would it be when we do not need to refrain from saying some things just because we are worried how the other person would react?

I’m not talking about outright lying over here, but about avoiding the complete truth. Take a woman who can’t always let her feelings show in front of her husband because she hates it when he scoffs them off. So she keeps everything inside and the buildup of emotions eats her up bit by bit until one day she explodes, or implodes.

Deception takes another form that’s more common here in the UAE. Take the family that’s sinking under an avalanche of debt because they have to buy a specific car, rent a specific apartment and send their children to a high-end private school they can’t afford. We all know that living in debt is really bad, and yet we end up doing it to keep up appearances. Would those people whose approval we seek ever help us with our debts if things get really out of hand?

There’s a quote that says people buy things they don’t need with money they don’t have to impress people they don’t like.

In a Quibblo.com poll, someone asked whether people would prefer truth or dare, and out of 408 responses, this was the result.

poll made by person with screenname “Insaneangelchic”

Someone might argue that many people enjoy dares because they’re more fun, but what if they were just afraid of the truth? What if they were just afraid of letting people know their deepest secrets, and untold stories? It’s not easy opening up to people and being very honest to them, because it makes us vulnerable. It weakens us in a way.

So we’d rather wear cloaks and masks, and hide in a world of deception. Yet, it’s not always our exterior that can be covered in deception and dishonesty. Because just as Richard Bach said, “The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves.”

Flash Freezing Relationships

So inAccept Things and Let Go, I spoke about people who can play a major part in your life, but then decide to walk away; a theme that could teach you not to expect much from people or get too attached to them.  But stuff like that make me wonder why do people do that? Just walk away without looking back?

1) We view the same things differently. Our perceptions of the same reality might vary, and while something might have meant everything to (A), it might not have meant nothing to (B) – the person who walked away. That is the worse thing that could happen in a relationship – someone giving it a value more than the other – and so in the end all you end up with are people taking each other for granted and having hearts get broken. There’s an interesting quote that says, “Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. It;s not what you look at that matters, but what you see. And when different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost….” So be careful of what you really see because in the end, if you get hurt because of your clouded perception, people are just going to blame you, and not the other person.

2) Maybe (B) wanted to keep (A)’s memories of the relationship at its best. There are times when people who play B’s roles just send emails once every two years, so that a time reaches when A’s most recent memory of them are just those emails. They don’t remember the movie nights, and the hangouts, and the study groups. They just remember those one-lined emails. So in an attempt to preserve the good memories, “B” just pulls the plug on the relationship suddenly, leaves at its best, instead of having  it deteriorate into nothingness. They basically Flash Freeze* the relationship.

Personally, once I put the concept of Flash Freezing in my mind, I felt much better because I finally started to forgive those who walked away (maybe that was not their intention, but remember to give your friend 70 excuses).  So stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for something more beautiful. And remember in the end, you can’t really control what happens to you but you can control how you react to what happens to you.

And that’s it for today.

(Technically Flash Freezing happens when objects are rapidly frozen by subjecting them to cryogenic temperatures using something like liquid nitrogen. The effect is pretty dramatic as you can see in the following image. So maybe it helps if you think of  your relationship frozen in the midst of all this white smoke…what you think?)

Image By Jeff Potter; © 2009 Atof Inc, http://www.cookingforgeeks.com

Accept Things And Let Go

So today I was thinking about how in life, changes tend to happen a lot, so we have to learn to accept that and let things go. A lot of times, a person walks out of our lives, and we might get hurt but we keep on telling ourselves that “It’s okay, I’m moving on,” when in reality we are only lying to ourselves because we are NOT moving on. A void exists, and our hearts ache when something really interesting happens and we reach out for the phone to call them only to remember that they’ve walked out of our lives willingly, maybe something catches our attention, a flower, a building, a phrase and flashbacks begin when we start thinking about them.

So no, we have not moved on.

The worst thing happens when they move on with their lives and leave you behind, especially when the story’s been repeating itself over and over again. That’s why I put the quote on facebook, “Same story, same pain but different names…” The thing is, these people might not be out of your lives entirely but the situation changes between the two of you. For instance, something happens and you learn not to trust them as much as you used to. Or where once you used to be their #1, now you’re thrown into #2 position. And you know, at one point I was okay with being #2, until one day I realized that I’d rather not be in the list at all.

It didn’t take so much willpower as much as it took time, time to get used to being out of the list, time to get used to fight the itch to call the number, time to get used to….

Because one day you wake up and realize you can’t live your life hanging your happiness on someone else out there. You can’t live life thinking that I would be happy if that particular thing happens, or that person walks back and remembers what you’re worth or…

Remember that what you really have is now, so appreciate the moment, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and feel it in yourself, letting go, detaching yourself from that person or thing that’s left you behind a long time ago, and don’t do it for them.

Do it for you.

5 Things To Remember

Taken From Freevector.com

So in a previous post,  I was talking about how the means for communications are varied nowadays, but communication failure is still one of the reasons why #RelationshipsFallApart. So I compiled a few notes to remember when one wants to communicate successfully;

1) Communication is a two-way process. There’s a joke where one man says, “I haven’t spoken to my wife for years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” This shows how communication can be a one-way street for some, with the woman doing all the talking and the man doing all the nodding on (or nodding off). So make sure that a conversation is balanced, and try to have both sides voice their opinions.

2) Answer their “WII-FM”. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about this acronym, but it usually stands with “What’s in it for me?” When you try to speak to someone, it’s very easy to start with yourself (your wants, your needs), but the best way to engage someone is to actually focus the attention to them. Make them feel important. Let them talk about themselves, and after leaving your company, they’ll be like, “I guess I like that person” (Even if they are totally clueless about you since all that did was talk about themselves!)

3) Do not charge your fighting mode and switch it on before a conversation. This happens when you hear something about your friend/family/spouse, and it pisses you off, you tend to start making assumptions and connecting dots that don’t exist, charging your anger to the red-zone level so you can attack them the moment they come in. There’s an arabic saying that says, “Give your brother seventy excuses…” and keep telling yourself “Maybe he meant no harm, maybe he didn’t know….” Also give them a chance to explain before you start attacking. There’s a quote that says, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

Remember that anger is from the devil and in the sunnah of the prophet (PBUH) there are actual steps that can be taken so a person would feel less angry(would write a separate note on that).

4) Search for the perfect timing to say something. Not everything can be said all the time. Most of us learn that by trial and error as kids; if we want something from our parents, we know that they have to be in a good mood or it would be a sure ‘No’. Also don’t try to discuss a life-altering decision in the elevator or just before the other person rushes off to work. And sometimes if you want  a quick answer, don’t give someone an open-ended time slot as they could dilly dally in all. So be smart and choose your timing well, though that doesn’t always work…..

Once I had to ask a professor a “quick question” but he was the type who doesn’t give “quick” answer, so I went to his office just before he had a class (hoping he’d answer me and tell me he had to go), but then he said, “Well you know that I don’t have a quick answer, and I have a class to prepare for so pass by later….”

5) Volume. Last but not least, you can say the right message at the right time, but then the whole conversation breaks down because the volume of your voice is wrong. Someone might perceive it the wrong way thinking you’re shouting at them when in reality you can’t really hear yourself probably because they’ve got earphones plugged on.

So these are 5 things to remember while communicating, and last but not least, remember the Hadeeth,

Dear Single Ladies

A lot of my single friends are complaining that society is not cutting them any slack. When eid time comes or if there is some family event, suddenly the girl becomes the center of attention and her aunties start speculating on “WHY is she still single?” The girls don’t get annoyed by their single status as much as they get by society’s reaction to their single status.

Maybe that’s the point. Make her single life miserable enough so she’d get married. To the first guy who knocks the door, regardless of whether he’s suitable for her or not.

One of my fellow Kemeni blogger, posted about this recently in Being Single, ” You tell yourself “I am happy being single” then you hear a nikkah from a near by mosque. Your thoughts wonder, some one is getting a companion tonight, they will build their future together. Then you evaluate yourself why are you still single? Is there something wrong with me? Then you end up saying am worth the world! I am strong independent, Its not written for me yet!  But secretly you question your self esteem! At the end you go back to saying “I am happy being single”, all the horror stories about marriage that I have heard. Its such a vicious circle! Emotional blackmail to one self!“

One thing about the traditional Kemeni society is that if a girl’s age is around 22 then she’s by default a spinster until stated otherwise. When men go around searching for wives, they want someone who knows how to cook biryani just like his mother, and who likes children and has experience raising them (preferably her own siblings). There are some who explicitly state an age (15-18) because the younger, the less they know about the world.

Or at least, that’s what the guys think.

So someone like JJ, a women who graduated from college in the US and holds a proper job, and has a blog – OH MY GOD! WHAT A SHAME! – is too opinionated for the typical Kemeni man who wants a wife to go along with everything he says, stroke his ego, and make him sandwiches. So the other day, a question was raised, would you rather be divorced or single? The statuses are very close to each other, except that nobody bothers the divorcee about marriage anymore.

But when a girl is single, and is enjoying every second of her single life – from shopping to coffee outings with the other girls, to saloon appointments, and gupshup-filled sleepovers with her girlfriends- nooo, the aunties just want her to settle and be miserable, and tell her, “You’re nothing without a man, all those degrees you have amount to nothing (not that I would give your name to my friend who’s looking for a wife for her son because you’re too ‘modern’ and unsuitable for him), but still, this lifestyle of yours is just so wrong.”

And it’s even stranger when the advice comes from someone who is already miserable in their married life.

Ya3ni, seriously?

So how do you react to such comments. How I’d like to react is by quoting Sherlock from the modern Sherlock Holmes series, ”Listen. This (his head) is my hard drive and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful. Really useful.”

Of course I never really say it out loud.

The thing is, they are the ones making us feel like there’s something missing in our lives because we are single; they are the ones who make us even feel guilty about our single status; they are the ones shrinking our self-worth by their comments. So what would they rather have us do? Sit in front of the mirror and ask, “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, where is the charming prince of them all?”

Take an extreme example; society talks until the girl can’t handle the pressure anymore and marries someone unsuitable (just so they’d shut up). And because the person is unsuitable, maybe the relationship is rocky and ends up with a divorce. Would society help the woman get back to her feet after a divorce? No, they’d say that there must be something wrong with her, that’s why she couldn’t keep her husband for long. Then maybe she’d be shunned. So whether she stays single or gets married to the wrong guy and ends up in divorce, it’s a lose-lose situation.

So dear single lady, my advice to you is to focus on yourself. Focus on your building up your Imaan, focus on developing yourself mentally, socially, professionally…Focus on yourself, because life does not come with guarantees. There’s a nice quote that says, “Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either.”

Think about how many people are married and miserable. Think about how many couples who stay together only for the children. Think about the sort of people for whom married life is a boring routine that they have to go through for the sake of going through…If you’re still single, don’t sit and get annoyed and frustrated, and believe that you must be single for a reason, so make the best use of it and capitalize on your assets, the main ones being your time and freedom. And for those who are pressured into marriage with unsuitable people just so that the train doesn’t pass them by. Isn’t it better for the train to pass you than crush you?

When People Fail To Communicate

Image Source: flickr.com/LearningLark

It’s interesting how many different means of communications we have nowadays; twitter, facebook, email messages, MSN, SMS, calls…Yet communication barriers seem to be one of the main causes of relationship breakdowns. So the problem is never with the means but with the attitude. The other day I was talking to a friend about how an inspirational coach once advised married couples, siblings, parents-and-children, to sit down on a weekly basis, and appreciate each other, “Thank you for helping…” This exercise could be extended to include criticism,  “I didn’t like it when you got angry that day…” but the criticism should be sandwiched between two positive comments about the other person so their ego wouldn’t be wounded. “Thanks for picking up the stuff I needed, but I have to tell you I didn’t like it when…”

It’s supposed to be an easy exercise. No money involved. No counseling sessions with a high-profile psychiatrist. But of course, talk to someone about it, and most probably the girl could be ready to do it, but the guys would scoff it off as a girlish thing.

“Men don’t express emotions. Too feminine.”

Before you think I’m trying to instilling feminine traits into guys reading this post (following Men vs. Women, who should cry more?), I’m emphasizing more on the communication part here. Our societies don’t exactly emphasize on the importance of communication within the family, and outside the work place. I remember spending a lot of times listening to people complaining about others, and I would just blurt out, “Why are you telling me this? Go tell them.” They say, “No, we can’t. They’ll think we’re being disrespectful…”

Once someone was talking about how she took two of her siblings, who carried negative feelings towards each other, sat them down and told them to just talk to each other. They didn’t. They kept on saying that they were okay, that there was nothing wrong between them. The moment one of them walked out of the room,the second spewed poisonous venom about him…

Some people say, “Silence is a powerful weapon.” In some situations it can be a powerful weapon but most often silence can be misunderstood, because there are no words in there that could be dissected and interpreted. Some people claim that by staying quiet, they keep the peace, but the reality is they harbor negative emotions and carry grudges for years, until one day the relationship goes beyond repair.

So before that happens learn to properly talk to each other, not about each other.

Tablets The Old Way

This weekend I was working on my tablet and my dad said something like, “Subhaan Allah how things go back to the way they used to be in the past. This tablet looks like the wooden tablet we used to study Arabic from.”

I made a google search and came up with an image from some website of what he meant;

Found it quite interesting how the wooden tablet developed to books and then returned to a tablet again (only this time a digital one that can carry many books at once).