Have you ever been to a mall lately and felt like you landed on your face into Hashkalistan? Once upon a time, people used to go to a mall to shop. Now the question to be asked is, what exactly do people shop for?
It’s like the old hunting game is still the same. Young lads walk around like a pack of hunting wolves, wearing clothes two sizes too big, with the leader in the center flanked by his bodyguards, prowling the land in search for the next feast. And the girls in clothes two sizes too small walk around in their own groups, flipping their heads from side to side as though they were advertising for a new shampoo, and giggling while they fall victim, one by one.
Then you have the girls who might not fall victims, since, “um…don’t you just…like…hate it when guys stare at you like that, um,” eyelashes batting faster than a fly’s wings. But if you see the clinging clothes, the blonde hair and make-up, it might make you think, “You might wanna do some covering up first, young lady and then talk about how the guys are looking at you.”
Normally I sympathesize with guys more than the girls in this new era. But some guys do have staring problems. Even if you’re a Neqabi some guys would stare. What do they think? That just because alna6′ra al2oola is theirs, then they can extend it for that long? But then with Neqabis, the talk between guys might be different. Imagine,
B pokes A in the ribs, “Yo,is that thing in black human?”
“Must be. After all it’s moving.”
Then the genius, C-squared says, “You know I was thinking, maybe it’s a new scientific phenomenon…could it be that the black hole has come to planet earth…?”
A and B get terrified at the idea and both scream, “RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s coming this way.”
But the common Neqabi phenomenon could more clearly be depicted in this comic strip. The Neqabi is blotted out of course.
There’s also the I’m-always-on-the-phone people. It’s like, all they do is walk around and around and around with their earpieces in place, chatting away on their mobile phones. Do they have to come to Hashkalistan to talk on the phone? Can’t they do that somewhere else? And who are they talking to? Their mother?
“Of course, mom, I’m studying….the noise in the background…that’s just some music my friend put on…no, no, I mean anasheed, not music….astaghfir Allah…of course I’ll be home by 10, but you know the traffic’s bad in the city…you have a headache? I think you should go to sleep, don’t wait for me….yes, yes, I’ll eat here…Okay, need to go back to calculus.”
Mental note: New term added to teen dictionary, calculus = trouble with the security guard over a harrassment case
Of course, not all of them talk to their mothers, some of them talk to their preys,
Imagine (in English peppered by Arabic accent);
“Hallo…what do you meaning, “Who are you?” It’s me, your darling, you already forgetting me….oh…you meaning HOW are you? I’m fine, sank (thank) you, and you?”
*Weish ilsalfa? Huwa dars ingleezi ya nas?*
“Of course, I only having eyes for you.” Here, he stares at a pretty lady passing by until he nearly walks into a pole. Attention back to the phone conversation. “What did you say? Bleeze rebeat. Yes, I am in za mall. No, no, not to watching uzar girls. You don’t believe that sinze I meeting you, I no looking at uzar girls? I came to puying you a gift since it’s our one week anniversary next monz (month).”
*Jee, dude, you really need to learning some math*
Then imagine he goes to buy a Fitness tape, making sure it’s a woman trainee….
Now assuming that’s really for his darling, what’s the implied message? “You need to lose weight before I marry you, girl?”
Did you see the new Michael Jackson moonwalk hat + kandora style? Seems to be the in-thing. So what are they trying to do? Symbolize the “East Meets West” theme or represent globalization? If you really, really, really want a symbol for globalization or the East Meets West theme, go to the desert and search for a camel with a Mcdonald’s bag in its mouth. Now that’d be a real symbol for globalization.
*And by the way, if you find one, send me a picture so I can post it here*
And the whole men-wearing-clothes-two-sizes-too-big and women-wearing-clothes-two-sizes-too-small phenomenon is quite disturbing. What’s more is you got the guys covering their heads in all sorts of headwear from caps to Hamdaniyas, while the girls’ heads are…
Some of their hairstyles might make you wonder if they jump out of a plane, would they need a parachute or would the hair be enough?
Makes one think, “You call that bush ‘hair’, girl? You might consider covering that in a potato sack just for public safety dudette, because let me tell you something your friends might not tell you, it’s a complete eyesore!”
In the accessories section, girls and boys seem to be competing nowadays. I thought that accessories were just for girls but then you see these boys with huge chains hanging around their necks, that one interesting addition would be to have a padlock hanging from its end and that’d make them look like walking doors.
And the guys’ haircuts make one shake their head in disbelief. It’s like people deliberately wake up to a bad hair day, then use gel and all sorts of chemicals to keep their hair that way. Forget the spikes that look as though the guy touched a live wire. Also, don’t stare too much at the cornrows that make a guy’s head look like a map. The only thing missing from cornrow-ed heads are some toy cars to go between the cornrows, and the head would look like a complete bustling city. But the most recent thing is the WEIRD canvas-on-head haircut.
This the one where you got a star or some other indescribable shapes drawn out of hair. It’s like the guys entrust a blinded-by-sleeping-eye-patches barber with their heads. Parts of the head 3alzero, parts 3al one, and the resulting piece of art….
Okay, so maybe I’m making fun, but it’s really not that funny.
إن القلب ليحزن وإن العين لتدمع على حال الأمة
Guess, all we can say is;
اللهم أصلح بنات و شباب المسلمين
الحمد لله الذي هدانا وما كنا لنهتدي لولا أن هدانا الله
Hashkal: slang for loser
Alna6′ra al2oola: The first look
Hamdaniya: Emirati headwear